Saturday, December 05, 2009

2009 in Review

2009, the fabulous year that brought us everything from OctoMom to Snuggies.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane before blowing out our decade's candles.

Remember the millenium - when everyone thought the world would blow up and our computers would fall silent? I guess all the death hags are celebrating the impending arrival of 2012.

In 2009, we couldn't get enough of women that couldn't stop birthing.

Behold, "The Gosselin". This hairdo graced Halloween shelves and sent children screaming in sheer terror.

The mere name "OctoMom" was enough to induce permanent celebacy. Nadya Suleman (otherwise known by her Indian name "Angelina Jolie on Crack") graced supermarket tabloids
nationwide, reminding us all to use a condom.

This year was littered with men clamoring for the Douchebag Dad of the Year Award.

Esteemed nominees include...

The Gosselin #2, otherwise known as "Ed Hardy Har Har". This lovely specimen FINALLY pulled his children off television (for a momentous 2 seconds) after his name was dropped from the TLC show that drained the life out of America for... er, who many years has it been?

Please, make it stop.

(Not to toot my own horn, but PopSpiracy warned you about these two prior to any marital hell being made public. We know how to spot a scam when we see one!)

The one and only (thankfully) Michael Lohan.

Birds of a feather suck together, and it's not surprising Jon & Michael Plus A Load of BS were seen parading around town. That is, until Michael Lohan recorded conversations with Jon Gosselin proving... I'm still not sure what. One look at this grease fry and I want to run and hide in Samantha Ronson's hat collection, too.

Tiger Woods - King of the Slut Jungle!

Do YOU have what it takes to catch the eye of the Tiger?

Probably not. If a supermodel can't do the job, nothing will.

The winner of this year's awards is none other than Richard Heene, otherwise known as Balloon Boy's Dad. Didn't I see this guy's face on Unsolved Mysteries a decade ago?

Balloon Boy wishes he could be teleported in a sea of tin foil to the great beyond. Even throwing up on TV wasn't enough to get that poor kid out of an interview...


2009 also brought us the world's favorite famewhores, the Salami's Salahi's!

The most brazen nuts of the year no doubt belong to this bitch, who refuses to let the spotlight shine on boring couples everywhere. Whenever the Travelocity gnome is ready to retire, he's game.

Levi Johnston, semi-nude semi-Son-In-Law from Hell

Like the rest of this nation, I waited in anticipation for the Big Johnston to arrive, only to be massively disappointed. And they wonder why no one looks at Playgirl anymore! (Even Marge Simpson's appearance in Playboy was hotter.) Anything that upsets Sarah Palin is generally a victory for me, so even though it's rated G, I'll take it.

The 2009 Fame Whore Championship pits these two hotties face-to-face in the ultimate catfight of all times:

Spaghetti Cat


Keyboard Cat

Who will win? Probably Keyboard Cat. At least he does something.

This was the year some couldn't escape The Twilight Zone, forced to choose between Team Edward or Jacob.

Should I sleep with the Werewolf or the Vampire? Sigh. Being a teen girl these days is SO complicated. Not to mention, it sucks.


Susan Boyle, giving us a completely staged moment that brainwashed the globe. Even PopSpiracy couldn't help but shed a tear watching this, even if it was bogus.

The Underdog of the Year Award officially goes to the deserving Swine.

We fry them up in little bacon strips and bits, put coins in them, force them to be household pets, compare them to people we don't like, then when we get the flu, it's their fault.

Pointless Fad of the Year:

THE SNUGGIE. More specifically, the pet Snuggie. We expect humans to fall for ridiculous advertising shams and horrible fashion, but seriously, what did this Dachsund do to deserve this global humilation??? (Keyboard Cat is chuckling and prepping himself as we speak.)

Everyone knows a crap product doesn't sell itself. Sadly, two pitchmen giants got more than they bargained for in 2009.

Vince Shlomi got ShamWowed and Slap Chopped by a hooker.

Billy Mays got Oxi-Cleaned and sent to the grand pearly gates beyond, which are no doubt more sparkly than ever.

The contenders for the 2009 Anger Management Award are:

Christian Bale, reprising his role as American Psycho on set.

The ever-so cuddly Chris Brown.

Kanye West, i.e. The G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Times).

Couples of the Year
(Wouldn't you just like to be the third wheel?):

Leanne Rhimes & Eddie Cibrian


Balthazar Getty & Sienna Miller

Don't fight, ladies. There's enough of these boys to go around.

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom. That they are the only marriage this year that even comes to mind is pretty sad. Oh well, at least Lamar is a step above loser-baby daddy Scott Disick (sorry, Kourtney. You could SO do better.)


Dishonorable Mention: Carrie Prejean, the only mouthpiece capable of saying nothing relevant.

Murderers of the Year:

Ryan Jenkins: Proof reality TV is a fraud.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. It's hard coming up with one when your limbs are severed and you are stuffed in a suitcase, but thanks to Jasmine Fiore, women everywhere can rest assured that there is a positive side to getting breast implants. RIP, Jas. You deserved better.

Conrad "I was in the wrong place at the wrong time" Murray.
Responsible for taking out the radness that was Michael Jackson. Murray is probably sitting in the Bahamas as we speak sipping a strawberry daquiri and living the good life. Good job, LAPD.

Hero of 2009:

Captain Chelsey "Sully" Sullenberger

Every time I start to lose faith in the human species or the media's
inability to capitalize on anything positive, a creature like this emerges
to bring hope where it's needed. Ladies and gentleman, I present you
with the captain that makes water landings possible. Sully, you are a true wingman.

Words of the Year: "Twitter" and "Cougar"

Art of the year: Obamicon.

Don't lie, you know you made one (or ten).

We lost a lot of amazing people in 2009.

This one brought us a neverending slew of Kodak moments, how boring is the pop culture landscape going to be without him?

RIP to the KOP. Only he could deliver this level of awesome.

RIP to DJ AM, Ted Kennedy, Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, Bea Arthur, Ed McMahon, Patrick Swayze, Natasha Richardson, John Hughes, Ken Ober, and all the people who helped pepper our lives with entertainment and brilliance. We miss you.

Bon Voyage to a jam-packed decade.

1 comment:

Bagehi said...

The Gosselins embody what is wrong with society.